We had a family crisis yesterday, and it didn’t need to involve me, so I didn’t get involved. I continued on with my plans, had a nice afternoon and was tired and in bed fairly early. It still affected me, however, and when I woke up this morning my HRV reading was significantly lower than it has been and the analysis was in the red. I needed to focus on rest and maybe go for a walk.
Accordingly I went for a walk, noticed I was starting to disassociate, which I haven’t done in a long time, then drove to a friend’s to watch movies. I didn’t even make it there before I had an epic meltdown and had to sit in a parking lot for an hour before I could even function.
It’s so hard that an event that barely concerned me had such devastating effects, and yet so clear that what I did to handle the trigger is far beyond what my abilities were a year ago.
This time I needed to pause, get to calm, have space to process what was happening and then decide what I wanted to do, and what was kindest to myself. Instead of continuing to disassociate I noticed what was happening and – although I didn’t avoid the meltdown – was present enough to be able to learn from that experience in a way that gives me a new tool to use if (and probably when) this happens again.