I’ve checked my HRV every morning for the last 22 days. I’ve done a guided meditation every day for the last 14 days. I’ve done a kind, calm yoga practice led by an awesome yogi every day for the last week, and most of the week before that.
Why then, are my PTSD symptoms so bad?
I got triggered 3 days ago, and it was all I could do to finish the work week. I mean all I could was work because that’s a longtime cope for me. I can’t deal with people, sleeping is hard, my nerves are in shreds and even though I’ve stuck to the 1% plan, it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I can still barely get out of bed.
So when people say “try breathing” or “try yoga” or “try meditation” or any of that…
I DO TRY. IT DOESN’T ALWAYS HELP ME.
And that’s such a disappointing and frustrating experience, to do the things that are supposed to help only to have them not help or make it worse. I was swearing at the woman in the yoga video this morning because her positivity was so far from where I was, and the premise that the practice would be good for me was so false.
So, now what?
I keep going, trusting that the damage to my brain wasn’t (although in some ways it was) created overnight, and won’t heal that fast either. Trusting that 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 weeks isn’t enough to move the needle, but maybe week 5 or 6 will be. And that what I’m learning in the process will be worth it, even if it isn’t right now.