I’ve done yoga 10 days in a row now. And not just a few minutes and call it yoga, I’m following along with Yoga with Adriene’s Dedicate program.
I kind of hate it.
Adriene is a fantastic yoga teacher, and a kind person. I think she puts a lot of love and thought and energy and kindness into her videos, and I am a big fan. Her website is one of the ways I was able to start yoga and not beat myself up over how little I felt I was able to do. Now I’m sticking with longer daily practices, and I am finding that I am often really uncomfortable, angry, frustrated and swearing at my screen.
I think this is kind of telling.
I don’t do discomfort well, I don’t have a lot of physical strength or stamina right now and I do not play well right now.
And she does.
So whatever it is that is preventing me from engaging in play, from just doing my best, from enjoying this experience, from being open to learning…it’s deep, and it’s angry, and it doesn’t much care for the yoga mat.
PTSD can be layers upon layers of trauma, and since PTSD has been strongly linked to shame, sometimes we can have a hard time escaping shame. I can have a hard time escaping shame, especially if I am already activated, which I have been several of the last ten days.
What happens from this experience, though, and what happens when I keep doing the things I’ve set out to do because I know they provide benefit and healing, and what happens when I pay attention to how I feel, and what happens when I rumble with what I’m experiencing, is that I start to unwind and unpack and untangle the trauma. I start to open up those deep, dark places of shame that are holding me back from living and I let the light in to heal.
It’s hard. And I was not able to do this three months ago. But now I am, and while I’m grateful, it hurts.