I have a long history of pushing myself past my limits to perform, and was about to do that this week when I took a left turn and ditched performing to do some healing.
Personal stuff came up and needed focus, I was a little burned out after hitting my work hours goals every week this month and starting a twice-weekly workout that is way more intense than I thought I might be able to handle right now had my body sending me all of the SLOW DOWN messages so I could tend to the non-performance needs. So I did, and it’s been good and hard and tiring and scary and much needed.
I’m in the process of evolving how I view myself, my experience with PTSD, how I interact with other people, what happens now that I’ve stopped numbing (for the most part) and how I do the things I want to do in a way that doesn’t look like how I used to do them. It takes time, and I don’t often let things take time. I need space to process all of this and my work hours goals don’t give me that space.
What I have been able to see this month is that yes, when I need to perform I can. I can work the hours, produce the volume and manage the schedule and load. I can do that while I also take care of myself and prioritize my well being. Not perfectly, not enviably, not without having to take some rest and set a few things down, but I can. And that’s enough, because it answered the question. And I’m going to enjoy that for a few days before I start asking another question.