PTSD can be really isolating.
That, combined with just being human, makes me want to point the finger at someone – anyone – else for my problems, and blame the lack of support I have (which is real) or the lack of help (also real) for my lack of healing, progress, and general well being.
I was aimlessly trying to push though another day yesterday, completely unable to enjoy my recent accomplishments, successes and opportunities. I listened to Esther Perel’s TED Talk on Desire, and it rolled around somewhere in the back of my head until I hopped in the shower yesterday evening, desperately in need of a way to shine a light on why I was struggling so hard. She was talking about erotic desire, but what she said about the effects of trauma on desire finally resonated with me. Because that perfectly fits my experience, and it’s with ANY desire, particularly of late.
I have been caretaking for so many people and have been so responsible for so long that I have ZERO desire whatsoever, for anything. Zero. And it is holding me back from living.
The problem lies with me, because I am the one who keeps caretaking and being responsible.
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I’ve been letting my boyfriend hold me back from desire and blaming him for why I have no desire in our relationship. Well, I don’t have desire anywhere else either, so that shouldn’t be a surprise. And I have certainly been caretaking there, and not holding firm to my statement three months ago that I didn’t want to do that anymore. Well, again, that’s on me.
Now that I understand the issue, I got a little manic and wore myself out in about 3 minutes because I was already out of energy. I still don’t have any, but I do have a much better connection to myself and an understanding of what is getting in my way and why. It feels like a milestone in healing, to understand that PTSD and its effects have killed my desire and the only way I am going to get it back is to engage in the actions and behaviors that get it back (I highly recommend the TED Talk – just click the link above).
I has been hard to hear people tell me I must be passionate about and really love my job when I feel like I’m just good at PR on autopilot. Maybe this will help me make that more authentic.