PTSD is a weird animal.
I wear cowboy boots frequently. I was wearing them the day of my car wreck, and I shoved my left heel into the floorboard so hard I bruised it. I still wear that same pair of boots, and I was wearing them today while driving.
The other day I grounded through my feet while driving, and I was wearing my fur-lined house shoes. It was a really successful meditation, and I was able to use that technique to successfully manage PTSD symptoms while driving.
I tried that again today and – since I was wearing the boots I wore when I wrecked – the process of grounding through my left foot started out pleasant and I was able to notice that the sole of my boot has completely formed to my left foot, including a spot for my big toe. Then the memory of shoving my left foot into the floorboard so hard I bruised my heel popped up and made driving a bit of a challenge, and I wasn’t able to process through that memory successfully, although I tried. So I pulled my boot off while stopped at a red light, and proceeded on without it. If I didn’t like my boots so much I would have tossed it out the window, but instead I tossed it on the floor of the passenger seat. After a few stops (for which I had to pull my boot back on) that didn’t make driving around left-booted any easier, so I finally gave up and left it off until I got home.
I was fine driving as long as my ankle-socked left foot was planted firmly on the floorboard, so now I’m thinking I need a second pair of my house shoes for driving. I’ve been driving in those cowboy boots for five and a half years, and this is the first time they’ve been a problem…or at least the left one, the right one stayed on without a problem. When I tried to do a thing that worked, it made me not able to wear my left boot…possibly ever again?
But I’m ok, the no boot thing worked and PTSD is still a weird animal.