This time last year I was not in a good place.
I was staying with my grandma after she fell and pretty much gave up working for several months to care for her, which has ultimately had some bad interactions with my PTSD. I wasn’t able to tolerate the mental hell that comes with so many post-trauma conditions and was still numbing with work and food a lot of the time, and was putting my energy into everyone but myself. Boundaries were still a mystery to me, and I wasn’t taking care of myself, making the excuse that my grandma needed me and I didn’t have the time or energy.
I’m in such a different place now, and I think it’s really important that I acknowledge that.
My weight is slowly creeping down, and last year it was increasing at a fast clip. I’m working a lot, but recognizing when it’s too much and backing off. I’m much more aware of what I eat and how much and why, and rather than refusing to deal with painful and difficult things, I am facing them head-on, even as I struggle through many versions of not feeling well, from being emotionally drained to having severe physical symptoms of PTSD. I am communicating my needs much more clearly and kindly, my creative thinking and problem-solving is usually available to me rather than just a distant memory, and I am taking responsibility for the things I can change and the boundaries I can set.
I’m also about to celebrate three years of being in business for myself, and having made it through a lot of unpredictable difficulties with that venture. I had been diagnosed with PTSD only 6 months prior, and I had barely begun the healing process. I had no idea what I was getting myself into!
I’m choosing to view all of this as a bit of a miracle, and it is.