One of the results of having trauma come back up is that either consciously or not, I feel under threat constantly. So I put the armor on to try to deal with it, because my emotional brain is much, much louder than my rational brain.
Which is why it’s ironic that I have such a hard time connecting to other people when this happens. For all of the emotional brain going on, I’m closed off behind an emotional wall.
I can go through the motions, but I can’t really connect.
I’m really upset by this, because it feels like one more thing that has been taken away from me. But. I know it won’t last, I know I’m doing the work I need to for my symptoms to calm down and I know that the trauma-related thoughts and feelings, while they feel very real, even physically, are based on past experiences that my brain and body can’t yet realize are in the past. It’s a lot to deal with, but it’s part of living with PTSD.
My therapist asked yesterday how I would respond to someone else who had a recurrence of PTSD symptoms after a triggering event, and would I think it was their fault? One of the biggest things was my response. I wouldn’t blame them, and I don’t blame me. It’s just what is. Kind if like the walls, but the walls are something that I can more than acknowledge, I can do something about them.