One of the best things that has come out of my long journey out of numbing is that I am so much more aware of how I feel and when I need to make rest a priority.
I often don’t, and that is still a challenge to work on, but I can at least recognize when it’s all too much and something needs to change.
I spent the month of April pushing through day after day of “this is gonna hurt” and “this sucks” and “this is really hard”. May brought an unsuccessful attempt at what is very often an effective PTSD treatment, the collapse of my relationship with my boyfriend, and my recognition that if I don’t rest, I am about to be in a much worse place.
I can’t take on anything else, and I cannot help anyone else right now.
I pushed through work yesterday and wrapped things up for a few days, then put my phone on silent and binge watched Project Runway. I’m still checking my phone, checking social media and antsy, but not having my phone demand my attention, not letting anything in unless I call for it was a good start.
Mostly I just hurt yesterday. And I needed to let myself hurt. I have a lot of grief to deal with.
Today is a little better at the moment. I’m having to consciously keep myself from doing things. After I’ve had a bit of rest I tend to get manic, and I don’t lay down to-do lists easily. Part of it is to distract myself from the pain and anxiety, part of it is because I don’t have much of a concept of rest. It’s not something I do. But it’s something I desperately need, so I’m doing the best I can.