This round was not successful either, although we may know a lot more about why this time. I wrote about Round 1 last week if you want to read what happened last time.
PTSD is tricky, and brains are complicated. I had another flashback last night, and while I am not finding my experience with flashbacks to be disturbing or upsetting, the amount of energy I am having to put toward calming myself is tiring.
This morning’s EMDR session was not successful, and my therapist thinks we may not have the correct negative cognition. I had a difficult time linking up the mental image, physical sensation brought up by recalling the image and the negative cognition, and it felt impossible for me to hold those three things together during the eye movement.
Something doesn’t fit, and it may be the negative cognition, the statement about the belief I have linked to the trauma. While I don’t remember a lot about my last experience with EMDR, which was close to four years ago, I do remember that linking the three things was not difficult and the process worked really well for me. Since that isn’t happening this time, it’s certainly possible that we haven’t yet revealed the statement that is somewhere in my brain. I’m not upset or disappointed, because I know that this is tricky, and brains are complicated.
We’ll be taking a step back to work through what the real statement may be and try again. In the meantime I’m working on compassion and acceptance toward myself, and if nothing else comes from this, the skills I’m building in the process are incredibly valuable to me.