I’ve been a bit ragey, unsettled and unfocused the last few days.
I had been doing so well, I thought. My routine has been a bit disrupted but not anything I didn’t choose to do, I worked out Tuesday evening and had a minor freakout but was calm by the time class ended and I thought I managed that pretty well, and I’m sleeping less than usual at the moment but I’m mostly waking up on my own so I didn’t see that as cause for concern.
So what was going on with me?
My brother’s work accident was two years ago, and this time last year I was sitting in the ICU, doing everything I could to support him and to support my family and praying ceaselessly that he would get to keep his fingers, which had been badly crushed.
A miracle happened, he has fingers that not only work but that are strong, he’s living life on his terms and doing what he loves, and every second of fighting for him has paid off magnificently.
But my body does not forget, even when my memory does. When I realized why I have been feeling rage this morning, I sat at my desk and cried. I’m so grateful that he’s a living miracle, and I still hurt so much. That was the worst day of my life, worse than anything that has happened to me, or any of the days that the effects of trauma have handed me a beating. His accident happened after my car wreck, after my diagnosis and after I had been in therapy for a year. It was a huge disruption to my healing process, and one that I would gladly do again. But it took me a long time to process what had happened, because I had no time to think and feel, I just had to act, and that didn’t slow down for months as I tried to keep myself, my year-old company and my family functioning.
Trauma stacks up fast when you have PTSD, and even traumatic events that ultimately turn out well can add to the burden that is so hard to carry. Especially because our bodies don’t easily forget. Mine certainly hasn’t, although I thought after last year I’d be ok.
I am ok. I know now what can happen, I’m learning that even years later trauma anniversaries are hard on me, and while I try not to conjure them up, I still need to be a little more aware of them. This morning helped me to release this one a bit, I think, and I don’t feel the rage and angst any more. I do want a day off. But first I have to go rodeo.