If Things Are Going Well, Why Don’t I Feel Well?

Not that things have generally gone that well for me the last few years, but they are now, and I’m generally pretty excited. Hard work is paying off, and I’m…not feeling well. And sleeping a lot.

It’s confounding and annoying.

I spent 7 hours yesterday on a map piece for a work document, and I could not for the life of me get it to look the way I wanted. I was using four different software programs to make the best visual I could, and just couldn’t make it work. Then I was annoyed it took me that long to not finish anything, then I decided to embrace that I kinda sucked yesterday and try again tomorrow.

I got it done in two hours this morning, after starting work late again because I’m not great at getting myself out of bed in the morning right now. I can’t seem to rest enough.

Part of it may be that I really am long-term tired. My last vacation was last year, and I haven’t had a week off in a few years. I’m always either too busy or don’t have the money or have too many problems traveling to attempt it. The trip I was loosely planning this month fell by the wayside when work got busier, and I don’t have another one in the works yet for when I don’t have a full schedule.

I think I might be more upset about that and more in need of a break than I realized.

The emotional heavy lifting I’ve been doing the last year especially doesn’t ever really register with me, although the tension spot in my shoulder is pretty aware of it. I tend to be good in an emergency and fall apart later, so maybe I’m slow motion falling apart now that things are more stable.

PTSD is usually not willing to get with the program, and even if we can get our brains lined up, our bodies might not follow. Or might rebel. Or mutiny. Or in my recent case, knock us out and completely ignores our wake up alarm. I am so, so thankful that isn’t causing me problems this week.

Keep trying.

closeup photography of adult short coated tan and white dog sleeping on gray textile at daytime
Photo by Christian Domingues on Pexels.com
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