I completely missed a speaking engagement today. I thought I was speaking to a civic group at noon, but they met at ten. I even had my calendar alarm set, but since I was so convinced the meeting was at noon, I dismissed the alarm without even looking at it. Without double-checking.
That is not me.
It’s not that I’ve never made a scheduling mistake, but I went through 5.5 semesters of graduate school with PTSD and never missed a class. For me to have the time of this meeting wrong – especially since it was a speaking engagement that was important to me – is very out of character for me. And I was horrified at my mistake.
Of course mistakes happen, of course this kind of thing happens, of course no one is perfect. By the time I got back to my car I had already started typing an apology email to the speaker coordinator, and they graciously rescheduled for later this fall. I texted a couple of friends to let them know what had happened and had their full support.
But this wasn’t me.
I went home, got out of my dress clothes and went to bed. I’ve been pushing so hard lately. I’ve been trying to network more, to work on prospective projects, to say yes, and to start taking the next steps in building my company. I’ve also been acting as a support system, trying to manage my own health, pushing myself in yoga and changing my eating habits.
At the same time, past projects and clients are still gripping my heels, and work that I need to get wrapped up and shut off is draining me without providing income. My prior lack of boundaries – including at work – is still affecting me, and I’ve found it difficult to establish them with the old projects. That’s on me, but it’s still hard, and I’m a bit lost with it.
I need to make several changes to take these next steps and continue my progress toward better, and missing a speaking opportunity today felt like such a failure. I learn from failure, and sometimes it really is the best teacher, but in the context of what I’ve been dealing with lately and in the context of what I’ve been dealing with today, it definitely brought up the tears. And the recognition that I might need to take a step back before I start pushing forward again.