Learning to Wait

My dumpster fire of a life has just conflated to a bonfire, and things continue to not go well. It’s almost comical at this point, except that somewhere in the chaos and gritting my teeth, it really hurts. I’m watching a lot of things I’ve worked really hard for burn up in front of me, and there’s just not a lot I can do right now.

I’m weirdly at peace with it.

At this point in my life, after dealing with so much trauma, my faith in God is solid. I don’t question why these things happen to me, I trust they have purpose. I’ve come out of my experiences a much more compassionate and kind person, and I have an unwavering faith the God provides for His people. It’s not on my terms, and I agreed with someone today that I wouldn’t want to repeat what I’ve been through, but I also wouldn’t take it back.

I’m choosing that view now. I don’t want it, but I trust that this can be valuable, and as in nature sometimes fire is necessary to growth, so it might also sometimes be with me.

I’m still taking the steps I know I can take while waiting on a clear path. But shit this is hard.

silhouette and grayscale photography of man standing under the rain
Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric on Pexels.com

3 thoughts on “Learning to Wait

  1. I’m glad that you have an unwavering faith in God. I know how hard it can be to stay that way when things fall apart. I had a hard time with that when my cancer returned and though I don’t know why it has happened I know there must be some reason

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Understandably! I’ve tried to move away from rationalizing difficult circumstances as punishment/ testing/ someone else’s fault and start accepting them as a way to work through becoming more compassionate, empathetic and whole. I’m not sure it’s any less hard, but some days I feel like I’m about 6,000 years old with the perspective to go with it. I am sorry to hear your cancer has returned, cancer sucks.

      Liked by 1 person

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