I’m using some graphic language to describe my emotional experience, so if that is not a good place for you, much love for what you’ve experienced and please skip this post.
I’m crushing under the weight of things right now. My own stuff with work and relationships being so hard and unresolved right now, mass murder that hurts so many more than the people who lost their lives and were injured, and circumstances that are making it hard for me to sleep right now. I am emotionally bleeding out, and I can’t seem to stop it. I keep hitting stretches of overwhelmed panic, alternating between laughing at the absurdity of it all because I just can’t get the reality to register (it’s too terrible) and drowning under the hand of depression.
I keep moving forward, because there is nothing else to do, and I’m terrified of what will happen if I stop.
I’m going into my third week of utter uncertainty, and so many things in my life have blown up in my face lately that I have a sense of shell shock just from my circumstances, which are starting to feel like their own war-like battle. I keep telling myself to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, but I can’t seem to change things anymore than I can stop the bleeding. I’m rushing toward a horrific crash with no brakes and no way to slow things down until impact obliterates me.
If that all sounds extreme, I’ve reached a level of stress that I cannot handle, and PTSD has removed my brain and body’s abilities to tell the difference between reality and emotion under such duress. I know, consciously, somewhere, that this isn’t real, that I can handle it, and that with slow, steady work I can come out of this phase and get to a place that is much healthier mentally and physically. But since I am trapped in a war zone created from trauma, it is so much harder to get out. My body is responding to threats that don’t exist as though they do. My brain is telling me that there is danger everywhere and that I can’t rest when there is no discernible threat and rest is what I need most. The lack of sleep is compounding all of this, and the uncertainty is more than I can overcome right now, as it’s really my biggest enemy.
Find hope and hold on tight to it. You can do this.