I haven’t been able to finish a yoga practice in a few days. My tolerance for discomfort and uncertainty has been pushed so far that I have only been able to get about 15 or 20 minutes into a video before I quit. If it were a class, I would have walked out too.
Some of it is a mismatch of energy, I think, but the bulk of it is that I’m already past what I can tolerate. The past few weeks have been really hard, and they are not getting easier.
A project I geared up for, focused on and have put weeks into has not paid me, and I’m more than two months in. That’s distressing for a lot of reasons. I’ve been searching out new work, but that has not yet yielded success, and there isn’t going to be any making up for lost paychecks. You do indeed have to be brave or foolish to be an entrepreneur, and probably both.
My support system is pretty absent at the moment because everyone has their own thing going on. I get it, but everyone unavailable at once is hard, because I don’t have a lot of options for where to take my distress and panic. Plus I’m dealing with a really difficult relationship, and had a few interactions scheduled this week that were very stressful for me, and I don’t really have anyone to take that to at the moment.
Depression is back, and while it’s not constant and not always severe, it is another layer of hard to deal with, and it isn’t helping my outlook on the other hard things.
And I’m not sleeping. I was up at 3:30 this morning, and finally gave up and started work. At this rate I will be putting in a lot of hours this week! It isn’t insomnia, it’s a high-stress, low-sleep cycle because I’m on high alert too much and can’t calm down enough to stay asleep. I don’t have a lot of trouble falling asleep, but I wake up frequently and can’t make it far past 4am, which is VERY different from my norm.
And as shallow as it is compared to recent traumas so many people are experiencing, someone spilled a glass of water into my purse yesterday, soaking my purse and some of the things in it. Thankfully I don’t seem to have much damage, which is amazing considering I could pour water out of my purse, but I acted quickly to get things out and dried off (rather than throwing a fit, which I didn’t do), and while I had a nice leather bag, it’s certainly showing its age, and the water highlighted that I need to take a vacuum or something to the interior, because it’s kinda gross (at least when wet). I had planned to get a new handbag, but since I am not getting paid, that’s not a wise option at the moment. Yucky purse it is, when it dries out.
I can get so overwhelmed, and feel so hopeless at times. And it really does feel like everything is going wrong right now. And it kinda is. But if I have learned anything from nearly six years of PTSD (that’s an uncomfortable statement highlighting how long I have lived with this!), it’s that it is never all bad, even if it takes effort from me to see it.
I love my garden. I’m pretty terrible at growing fruit and veggies, but my new kitchen herbs are doing really well, and they are cheerful. It feels good to keep something alive. Plus the chive plats I’ve kept alive for over a year are now blooming, which is lovely.
I did an entire yoga practice this afternoon after I decided to take a break from work (after I had worked a full day by early afternoon!), and I didn’t check the time or my phone once. It was a less intense practice, more geared toward calming, but I still had to hold a few planks for longer than I wanted, and I have a couple of bruises from moving a heavy piece of equipment last week that make some positions challenging to hold. Since I had noticed I was quitting due to low tolerance for discomfort, I was committed to sticking to the whole half hour, and I did. I felt more calm after.
I realized that even in the storm blowing me around, I am still taking care of myself. Even if I don’t have a lot of control over my sleep, I’m making the effort to sleep and doing the best I can. I’m eating well. My house is clean and organized and I’m not leaving things around. The plants are still alive. I haven’t been late to anything or missed anything. I’m still completing a completely reasonable amount of work for someone who isn’t struggling with poor mental health. And for these, I’m grateful.