First, thank you to those who have recently found and/or followed my blog. I do this for me, and I don’t have a whole lot of followers, but in the past few weeks I’ve had a lot more views, so however you find me and read my blog, thank you!
I am in a place of so much uncertainty right now, at the same time that I am making plans through November for travel, conferences, spending, work and other associated things. It’s a weird and very uncomfortable tension.
Can I be really honest?
Financially, things are really challenging for me right now. Not dire, but I went two months without being paid on a project, and I am not going to get that money back. There are limited funds for the up-front costs, and it looks like I was low on the priority list. I’m guessing it was assumed that of all the people who had to be paid, I was the one most likely to do work without getting what I was supposed to (true, that happened), while others had to be paid to perform surveys, assessments, etc.
Well, that was a blow, and since I put my time and energy into that project instead of getting more work that would pay, I don’t have projects lined up to make up for it, and it’s left me scrambling for what to do. I really enjoy working for myself, but I don’t enjoy this, and having to be the one to bear the financial burden was not what I signed up for, at all. So! I’ve been applying for jobs in my field while continuing on with business as usual in the meantime, and trying to process it all. But it’s a lot.
The response has been good, I have an interview and looks like I’ll soon be scheduled for another, and I am really grateful for that. But if I can repeat myself, this is really tough. Walking away from a few years of trying to build something I find fulfilling, only to feel like my lack of boundaries ultimately collapsed it, and not feeling able to keep my head above water – yikes. I’m not upset about going to work for an organization, and I don’t have the money to travel and have a lot of fun in my time off anyway, so the less flexible schedule is more of a perception than a reality, I think. This will (hopefully) afford me the opportunity to get stable, find my feet, learn new things in a new arena and sort out what I want to do while I do something relatively more steady. I’m not too sad, it’s just a lot of change very quickly.
There is the possibility that we get back on track with the project, I start getting paid on schedule, I make it a few months and long enough to bring in more work, things get more stable on my own and I’m able to turn a near-tragedy into a success. And that’s what I’ll be doing if the interviews don’t work out! But as much as I was so excited about this project and my work and my plans a few months ago, I’m not now. It’s all soured a bit, and I have a strong inclination to just walk away from it all and start something new.
Something with much more realistic potential to help me keep my bills paid, build up a bit of a financial cushion and let me pursue some lines of interest that are a hobby and not paying work. At least yet.
In the middle of all of this, my WordPress plan is up for renewal. In two days. I’ve had the premium plan, but that doesn’t seem like a wise way to spend my money at the moment while I am in financial and work transitions with some unknown timelines and outcomes, so I am assuming I’ll still have this blog on Thursday, but I don’t actually know! That has been a bit aggravating as well, because the timing of everything is just a big heap of stress all at once, and I may take a bit of a break from blogging. Not because I don’t love this and appreciate the comments, support, likes and reads, but because I have to get myself out of this pinch, and I’m not sure how best to allocate my energy and focus for the next several days/weeks to accomplish that. And…my blog might die on Thursday?
It’s been a long, hard road, y’all, and I’m not there yet. I’m upset that I haven’t been able to lost the weight I wanted to this summer, that I’m not as strong as I wanted to be yet, that work has not worked out and that I’ve been kind of cruising along, not able to pay attention to the warning signs until they started flashing really big in front of me. I may have been a hard-working optimist, or I may have been making up a story, or I may have been not paying attention, or I may have been in denial. I’m not sure yet!
I am sure that I am so grateful for the blogging community and what it has provided to me these last couple of years, so thank you!