I’ve stepped away from blogging regularly over the past few weeks as I’ve been re-writing my life. The writing isn’t quick, it’s taking many drafts, a lot of thought and a lot of work, but that’s essentially what I’m doing.
My story had become something I did not like and wasn’t interested in continuing. I had gotten overwhelmed by the leftovers of the past, parts of the plot that didn’t belong anymore but that I hadn’t killed off. It was just a lot after nearly six years post-wreck, and after a lot of work on myself, it was time to evaluate the story and make some changes. I had the opportunity to move to a different country and really write a new story, but I chose to take less drastic steps, because unless I write a different story for me, a lot of my problems and issues are just going to travel with me.
I’m in a really big moment of transition. I’m winding down current work, but still have quite a bit of project work to go, and existing commitments I am going to keep that will extend through the next two months. That part of the story isn’t being drastically re-written, but I am looking for ways that I can re-write the details to be better for me. It’ll be a hard push this week to finish a few things ahead of starting my new job, but it has to be done.
This is about the week that historically I start feeling the symptoms of trauma anniversary, and I have no idea how this is going to play out this year, but last year was rough, so I am trying to find a way to navigate around so much going on now, so much that is about to be going on that is new, and ghosts of the past that I’ve yet to come to peaceful terms with. I want to think I can re-write that part, but I don’t even know what’s written there yet. And I’m surprisingly not too concerned???
New job starts in a week! This was one of the biggest parts of the re-write. I got a new job because I needed to leave so much behind that was tied to the job I’ve had for the last three years. It was scary, it was difficult, I had a lot of doubt and I lost my confidence countless times. I’ve also been kind of sad about it off and on, and I’ve had to deal with several people who do not want me to leave what I do now. Well, not your life and not your choice, and I’ve been working on not just a new job, but making a successful mental transition to new job. It’s a new organization, I have layers of bosses, it’s a different system, it’s a learning curve, it’s coworkers, it’s customers and it’s going to be a busy few weeks getting up to speed. But same me, same person who has learned so much and who has a lot to offer, same desire to learn and grow and contribute.
Something major in my life had to change, because too many big parts of the story were not working together, and I couldn’t keep dealing with the conflict. I picked my job, and I’ll see how that does, but sometimes it’s a relationship or a group or an obligation that has to go or change. I chose job, because I think that was best, and we’ll see how that does or doesn’t help resolve the other parts of my story. I have positive expectations.
I can apparently only write so much, and I’ve had a lot of mental work to do while I’ve been in the middle of my story re-write. At some point I expect I will have a lot of thoughts and experiences ready to hit paper, but for now I’m just having to do what I can, when I can, in the midst of the swirling chaos that is my present transition to a new part of the story. Some things we can change, some things we can’t, but if you aren’t happy with your story, maybe it’s time to think about writing a new one?