Three hours from pulling up on the lot, I walked out the door the owner of a new (to me) car. It was a better deal than repairing my car would have been, given its value at this point, but it was still a lot to process in 24 hours.
I bought the new car at the same dealership I bought the last car just a few weeks shy of six years ago, which I bought just two days after my car wreck, when I was still in shock. I went by myself and had a plan for what I was looking for and what I could afford, and I didn’t expect the experience to be so triggering.
I did manage to not audibly sob in the dealership, but the sales guy did offer to give me a minute. Bless him.
Car buying, little did I realize, is tied to trauma for me, and the whole experience was very emotional. Emptying out my car, seeing them remove the license plates, realizing that I was actually buying not just a car, but a nice car when the one I’ve been driving for the last few years hasn’t impressed anyone. It challenged my notions of my own self worth and what I deserve, it challenged my scarcity mindset and it stood boldly in the face of the trauma that handed me PTSD and refused to make do with what it could anymore, but demanded and expected better.
I. Am. Exhausted.
I managed to sort of hold it together, and get through the process. There wasn’t much negotiating to do, I was at a dealership with non-commission sales staff and the price is pretty much set, but they made it work for my budget, somewhere under the processing I am excited to have such a nice car for my budget, and when we got done with the finance office the results are something I can live with at worst, and that definitely work for me at best. Given how triggered I was and what I was having to do to manage it, I’m counting that as a huge win, and I frankly don’t owe an explanation of what I paid or for what to anyone.
So once again, I am so very grateful that I am in a place that I can have a surprise trigger like that, battle so hard, still come out where I needed to be, and be calm and still handling business this late in the day. I’ve handled most of the paperwork from divesting myself of old car, not sobbed myself into a puddle (that may or may not still be coming, can’t tell but fine if it does) and I have re-written another page of my story to something better.