I start my new job on Monday!
In the two weeks leading up to my “retirement” as a consultant, I’ve endured a bad and long-lasting cold, wrapped up a bunch of loose ends and cut off others, bought a car, been really concerned about how stress might be affecting my body (clenched jaw and tightness in my chest have every bit of hypochondriac in me revved up) and decided I had better get a pair of flats for that first week of the new job, despite my need to really watch my pennies at the moment (thanks to that car purchase).
It has been emotional, painful, challenging and stressful for me to navigate all of this, and I’m ready to get to the new office at least to have a new set of problems!
With PTSD it can be so difficult to acknowledge moments of change, because change can be triggering, and often doesn’t feel positive. It can be hard to celebrate moments in life that you don’t get get to experience “normally”. Most of the things I should be happy and excited about either terrify me or are so hard to navigate I’m too exhausted to summon any effort around marking milestones and moments of positive change.
I’m trying to address that. I’ve had to let so many life moments slip by without so much as a high five because I was numb for so long, then learning how to manage the chaos in my head, then learning how to be out of the house more, then learning that yes, I can be happy and celebrate things in life. So I am! Starting with this new job, starting with this moment to do things differently, starting with attempts toward intention and planning and thought and effort and recognition of something I’ve accomplished and started and made bold moves for and trusted myself and took a risk.
I have to re-write the story, one little part at a time, and it’s time to re-write the part where I don’t get to be happy and celebrate achievements and milestones.