Healing can take a long time. It is taking me a long time.
I still get blitzed by my brain. I did today. It doesn’t make sense to have a violent reaction (my experience was violent, I did not act out) to normal words, but that still happens to me. Sometimes it’s like being dropped into a hurricane, sometimes it’s like being the Hulk, not times is it ever ok, and usually I end up falling asleep because the experience is so exhausting.
I still am not managing my health very well, and my weight and blood pressure and resting heart rate and stress are all too high for good health. My Fitbit is now telling me I’m in poor health, and I’m having to combat that with reminding myself that I am experiencing a temporary spike that I have not yet figured out how to calm, not that I am in an irreparable state.
I have reduced my obligations to my job and social activities I find enjoyable, but since I am about to start working on building strength for a high elevation hike in a few months, that will start taking up a lot of my time outside of work, and that’s ok.
I’m doing really well at work. I am so grateful for that, because it makes a lot of things easier to deal when I can see myself able to consistently achieve success and positive outcomes in one area.
I attended a TEDx Conference, and a woman spoke who had also been in a car wreck, which had dragged up all of the trauma she had ever experienced. She looked fabulous and glam and cool as hell, and it was nice to know my experience is more common than I thought, and also that you can have this experience and still sometimes be cool as hell while you are also being honest and vulnerable.
I did yoga every day in January. I’ve barely done it THIS month, but that was a big accomplishment for me since exercise continues to be a challenge (hence the decline in health metrics).
I made a really tough call about something with unknown consequences, and I did not look back. It was really uncomfortable, and also really good to hold boundaries the way that I did.
Here’s to more healing.