I started gaining weight after I started therapy. As I dealt with trauma and my PTSD diagnosis, my body wrapped me in a protective bubble for so many reasons. That layer would not like to leave, please and thanks.
I’m listening to Scarcity, by Sendhil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir. I say listening, I’m partially listening while I do other things, and sometimes I fall asleep. This one is not keeping my attention terribly well at the moment, although I will listen again when I can focus a bit better – probably when I start walking next month. What I have picked up is really helpful, and the authors discuss scarcity related to actual poverty, how scarcity can affect how we eat and spend money, etc. It’s helpful information, and I’m hearing it at a time that I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my weight. I want to slim down, and a lot of the reason is superficial – I just want to be skinnier – but some of the reason is I think I’m becoming uncomfortable in this protective cocoon. It does protect me from some things, yes. It also gets in the way. It also keeps me out of clothes I like. I’m keeping in mind the importance of accepting and loving my body and what it has carried me through, but I am also mentally just not able to make peace with the status quo, so it’s probably time to start making the small changes toward losing what has turned out to be about 40 lbs of post-trauma weight gain.
In the middle of this I was offered a ticket to a gala for a large annual fundraiser that supports youth in my area. I’m happy to go, and the ticket offer is a seat at the table of someone who has noticed and appreciated my hard work in my new job. I was honored by the offer, and glad to accept. I’m really tired today for reasons I’ll get into in my next post, and this is black tie.
I don’t have a black tie outfit, I don’t fit into my gown right now and I have not had the money or reason to spend a few hundred dollars on a dress. I have plenty of clothes, I just don’t have much that’s dressy in my current size, and anything I could shimmy into will require Spanx and maybe a quick sweat session and prayer. I have also been a bit of a hermit the last few years, and I haven’t had much spare cash (still don’t), so my charitable attendance and giving have been focused on an organization that I very strongly believe in and want to support.
I checked my closet to see what might be possible, and on a whim decided to try out a dress I was pretty sure would not fit across my hips. It’s a silk dress that I bought in Paris that was even snug at the time, and that was only halfway through my weight gain, so I was pretty sure my one shot at a luxe dress that might come close to the dress code would be a dud.
It needs Spanx to really work, and it probably needs a slip that I may or may not have on hand since the fabric is kind of sheer, and I do have another option that would be less chic and more kook (which is fine), but it was such a welcome moment of grace that this dress fit when I did not expect it to.