I made it through the work week being a pretty good sport about just about everything. We have transitioned meetings to an online platform, including public meetings, and that took a lot of effort and troubleshooting in a short amount of time. I’m behind on paperwork because of the transition to remote working and the meeting setups, and a few projects have hit significant snafus that are a larger challenge to deal with now than they were two weeks ago. I had to walk away from my desk twice yesterday, and today the depression hit. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even want to lay in bed or sleep.
I’m doing stuff anyway. I got up, ate breakfast, started laundry, checked on my garden, and I’ll be working this afternoon to try to get caught up, at least somewhat. I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I’m ignoring all messages with memes, news, videos, posts and whatever. I honest to God want none of it. All of my notifications are turned off, and I’m just not engaging right now. I don’t have to. Of all the things I can’t choose right now, I can choose how much Shit on the Internet I expose myself to, and I am choosing for that exposure to be ZERO today.
It will be a big accomplishment today if I go for a walk. Even a short walk. Even 20 minutes. I have not been stress eating this week, which is amazing progress for me, and I really haven’t been eating much at all compared to usual. I’m sad and overwhelmed and stressed and distressed and angry and now that has all circled around to depression (somehow not anxiety – yet), and that’s not just the PTSD, that is the state of the world, but the PTSD tips it more the negative direction than positive, and I have to fight pretty hard to maintain some semblance of calm. Which is probably why I feel exhausted.
On the up side, all of the tools I’ve acquired while working to recover from PTSD are really coming in handy now, the greatest of which is acceptance. My resting heart rate has dropped 10 beats per minute in the past two weeks, which signal that my overall mental health is improving even as conditions are deteriorating. I’m so grateful for this.
Breathe, accept what you can, change what you can’t (and sometimes that means the tools you have to cope with what’s going on right now, whatever that looks like for you), and take good care of yourself.