It’s hard to outwork me. I come from people who work. It’s how we’ve survived for a long time. It’s how we’re surviving now. So it’s a big deal that I’ve slept 24 out of the last 48 hours – not aided by anything beyond the permission to do so.
As much as so many people are struggling with losing work, being an essential worker also has its struggles. A lot of people’s actual workload has ramped up, and the emotional work has become a heavy burden. I carry more emotional work than normal at the same time that I am also trying to process the trauma of our collective experience, and it’s heavy. It’s why I’ve slept a lot of the weekend.
I’m also still recovering from strep, and my work has not given me much room for rest to help that recovery. It took about two hours of battling myself yesterday morning to give myself permission to rest. I had things to do. I needed to do a heavy cleaning to try to get rid of any remaining strep bacteria so that I CAN PLEASE NOT GET THIS A THIRD TIME. I needed to walk, to send some emails, to order masks, to help my mom, to….. all the things. I slept instead, interrupted only by an occasional journey to grab the leftover pizza and wine from Friday night when I finally let myself indulge in curbside delivery. I listened to a book I like. I texted with a couple of close friends. I took another nap. I finally showered, then I was tired and had second thoughts about expending that energy.
I felt a lot better today, but would love another two days to rest and settle. Right now my workday schedule is to wake up, eat, work, maybe break for lunch maybe not, back to work, go walk 5 miles, eat dinner, get ready for bed, catch up on the wide world to the extent I can stand it, maybe chat with a couple of people and wind down for bed. The energy I need to do my job takes up my whole day, and not a lot else is getting done. I’m struggling to remember how long this has even been going on. But somehow that sleep gave me a bit of hope that however much longer it will go on, I’ll be up to the challenge.